Evolution of Partner Trauma Treatment with Stefanie Carnes
In this episode, Marnie and Duane speak with Stefanie Carnes about the evolution of the partner trauma model and the necessary shift from the codependency model in treating betrayal trauma.
Evolution of Partner Trauma Treatment with Stefanie Carnes
Hello,
I am a sex addict in recovery and lot of things resonated with me with my experience with my therapist. Even though I kept my sobriety for two and half years, I was stuck in my relationship with my wife and was getting nowhere. I am happy that partner based approach is being looked at seriously. Also I heard about Stephanie talk about impact letter written by addicts trying to step into their partner’s shoes, I like it a lot. Is there an example of such letter available ? It would good for my understanding.
Thank you, MS for listening to the podcast. We are looking to see if we can get an example up so that you can see an example. Hang in there and we will get that up as soon as we can. Take care!
What a surprise to hear this from Stefanie Carnes. Is it time for CSATs and therapists to do a #metoo -like reparation and reckoning? I and many, many women have suffered therapy-induced trauma from therapist using non-trauma-informed and frankly, anti-feminist modalities.
Only 1-2% of CSATS are using the codependency model? More like 80% are STILL using the codependency model. Just because they stop saying the word codependency, doesn’t mean they don’t still use the treatment.
Stephanie Carnes says she’s pro trauma model now but she’s still heavily using the codependency model treatments herself.
In the workbook Facing Heartbreak (even the newly revised version), Stephanie has a list of “Secret cloak like behaviors” that wives do that are “crazy making reactive choices” which are part of the “toxic dance”. Some of those behaviors are things like :
” Snooping
Searching files
Canceling magazine subscriptions
Searching the home
Searching his phone
Installing computer Spyware (fyi, this is also called Monitoring software. They are the same thing)
Hiring a private detective
Throwing away porn stashes
Adopting a victim stance ” – – (whaaaat? We ARE victims, wth?😳)
Etc etc etc… The list goes on and on
Heaven forbid us wives ever try to find the truth for ourselves in order to keep our lives and homes SAFE. I guess shame on us for choosing to engage in such toxic crazy making reactions.
On the next page in Facing Heartbreak, it lists “Dagger like behaviors”. Stephanie says “A dagger brings to mind the potential for pain and damage…. emotions that are not expressed appropriately in the relatinship can “cut” the addict….Circle all the destructive dagger-like behaviors you have used when reacting to your partners sex addiction. ”
Here’s a few from this list:
” Yelling
Silence
Blaming
Gaining Weight (… 😯😯)
Profanity
Telling children of partners addictions
Calling addict names
Threats of telling church leaders
Monitoring progress with anger
Interrogating
Demands for attention ”
Her workbook is FULL of codependency model beliefs. It’s incredibly victim blaming. So wives, don’t you dare gain weight while in trauma, that would be a “dagger like behavior” and would cut the addict and hurt both of you. Also, don’t blame him for something he really did do, that’s bad. AND even though you’re in such horrible pain and trauma and are so confused and gaslit you don’t know up from down, DON’T EVEN THINK about having any negative emotions that could lead to yelling, profanity, or even telling your children, church leaders, or basically ANYONE, because that would be viewed as a threat by your addict husbands 😢
Stephanie Carnes still has alot to change.
Thank you so much for your feedback. We appreciate the time you took to respond. It is possible that “dagger-like behaviors” that you referred to are what we would call “survival responses” as we discussed in episode 4 of our podcast. We conceptualize the list above as trama reduced survival responses which can ultimately cause further trauma to a betrayed partner.
Thank you all for this excellent podcast. As a highly traumatised, betrayed partner who has experienced further multiple betrayals from misinformed so called ‘experts’, over the past 2 decades, I am so grateful for your courage in sharing this important message. Omar’s work has literally helped save my life and I completely agree with his model and terminology. Thank you all for your open and progressive thinking, ongoing education and selfless advocacy in this highly complex and sensitive area.
I Have been married to a sex addict for over 20 years, and the codependency model really angered me. I did not know my husband was an addict when we got married, so how was I codependent? I know other partners that felt the same, and it was confusing. I really respect Dr. Carnes for speaking out about trauma and explaining the origins of the codependency model. I am halfway through grad school, and originally had no interest in becoming a CSAT because of the codependency lens. I may have to rethink that now. Please tell her thank you, and that I appreciate her courage and and candor.
Are there any good workbooks out there for a couple to walk through that is betrayal trauma centered. As the addict I am struggling g to really connect with my wife during this process and I am looking for good recommendations to help with our healing process.
Thanks
Hi David,
Here is a book, “Help Her Heal by Carol Sheets” that we have found is very helpful to the addict and is a really great place to start. I know it is not a couple’s workbook but for you, it can help set the stage for healing the relationship.
Here is our amazon affiliate link to the book.
https://amzn.to/37Ah4mZ
I hope that is helpful to you as a place to start.
Thanks for your response to Kate. She and I are both members of the same partner’s group.
Most of the ladies in our group really love your podcasts (and Marnie, I remember you from SRI back in 2008).
Having Stephanie Carnes on was surprising to many of us because you and Duane seem to be using Minwalla’s model. Stephanie Carnes is still (in the opinion of many partners I know) just using a dressed up version of codependency that many of us find to be lacking in depth & rigor as well as feeling incredibly invalidating to us as betrayed partners who are struggling with PTSD.
Thank you for listening and for the other episodes which I have really enjoyed and will continue to recommend to other partners.
When discussing the evolution of the partner trauma model it would be more timely and honest to talk to Dr Barbara Steffens who started the partner trauma model and trains therapists to help traumatized partners like myself. I agree that Dr Stephanie Carnes is going in that direction, but has a long way to go to reach the level of expertise, compassion and understanding that Dr Steffens offers.